I’ve realized that I’ve been following the “live today since I may not have tomorrow” creed these days. This has translated into me cramming a year’s worth of life into each day. To be honest, I've always lived this way -- going “90 to nothing” and then collapsing. But now that I've had cancer and the constant threat of death hovering over, I’ve accelerated this mindset & lifestyle to burn-out.
My vulnerability of wanting to be loved (make that adored) and significant are what drive me to exhaustion. I try to be the perfect daughter, niece, wife, friend, coworker. Can't say that I actually achieve that, but, boy, do I try!
So, I’ve taken my minister’s sermon yesterday to heart. While others are giving up addictions like chocolate, or bad habits like texting while driving, I've decided to give up my calendar.
For the next 40 days, I'm going to live each day at a time rather than pencil in activities and commitments for two months out. I'm going to spend time in my wilderness with God – reading, journaling, meditating…having my spirit refreshed & renewed. By the way, my minister pointed out that “Lent” means “spring.” I never knew that!
It’s not to say that I won’t get together with friends, but it does mean that I’m not going to make a single commitment in advance. I don’t intend this to be my way of operating from now on – but just for Lent, I’m going to slow down, not overcommit, and listen to His voice instead of all my fears.